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So long and thanks for all the fish!

Dolphins are adorable. There is no denying that. The permanent smile on their faces just makes you want to grin until your cheeks ache. Their sweet, playful nature can melt the heart of even the scariest and meanest of folks. You may have heard that dolphins are one of the few species aside from humans who will have sex for pleasure. But you probably haven't heard that when the guys are feeling a little frisky, they will chose a female from the pod, isolate her and repeatedly gang rape the shit out of her for days. If she decides she's not into the whoopee making, they will chase her down and beat her into compliance. Of course, given this kind of sexually deviant behavior, it's no surprise that the dolphin community is rife with STDs. Did I mention that they also enjoy participating in orgies including the bisexual and homosexual kind?

When they aren't trying to rape everything that moves that is

Those cute little buggers are scary smart too. They can be trained to do damn near anything including such awesomeness as finding undersea mines and stranded divers. Plus they can jump through hoops and touch their noses to those really high balls and stuff. They can also stay awake for 5 straight days without getting all brain dead like us humans. Hell, just one night of no sleep and I can't even remember my name. They are also deadly and cunning hunters, using their superior intelligence, teamwork and ingenuity to contain and consume large schools of fish.

Awwwww..... Look at the cute little dolphin.....OF DOOM!

You are now yelling obscenities at your computer screen directed at me for tarnishing your image of Flipper. Trust me, I'm not done yet. But I am blathering on about dolphins today because it seems that there are people who want to convince you that if you are pregnant, you need to get a dolphin to talk to your unborn fetus. If said dolphin gently nudges your big 'ol pregnant belly with his nose, you are somehow improving the development of your offspring. They say that the high frequency sounds stimulate the baby's brain. Exactly what purpose this "stimulation" is purported to do is not specified. Not only has no study ever conclusively proven that exposing fetuses to sounds is beneficial but after what I just found out about dolphins, I don't know if I'd want them giving ANY advice to my baby! Seriously bad role models.

 When you grow up, have lots and lots of sex

This actually sounds a little nutty especially considering that dolphins will also routinely commit infanticide. If you are or have been a new mother, you know it's rather tiring and you may not have as much energy for things like, say, a roll in the hay. But as I've explained, dolphin boys (much like human boys) are horny ALL the time and don't much feel like waiting until mama is in the mood. So easy solution to that is to simply get rid of mama's tiring new distraction. In the mood now honey buns?

If you want to go all out, you can actually give birth, wait for it, IN the ocean, WITH the dolphins. Apparently dolphins can help a woman deliver with almost no pain by passing an underwater sonar message of support. That whole thing seems like a bad idea given their lack of opposable thumbs and other important things, like a medical degree. Also, according to the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society, “There is no scientific evidence to prove that the therapy is effective,” furthermore, “both people and animals can be exposed to infection and injury when participating in these programs.” Duh.

Dolphins, such as humans, are also known to kill for pleasure. They enjoy chasing down a baby porpoise and systematically beating it to death by ramming it and tossing it up in the air like a beach ball just for shits and giggles. That's right, your favorite marine mammal is a ruthless murdering psychopath. Deal with it.


Now none of this means you shouldn't still love the crap out of dolphins and admire the really cool stuff they do. We should still protect and cherish them. Badassery aside, I know they will still make me grin until my cheeks ache and I would still love to go swimming with them one day. Keeping my private parts suitably protected of course! But I'm not going to count on them to make unborn babies smarter or create magical undersea birthing chambers. They are not magical creatures. They are simply just mammals like you and me.


Chuck Hunter said…
Not to mention when mixed in a can of tuna it makes the sandwich so much better.....eeeeeeeee.

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