I dedicate this continuing Cracked edition to the sweet and lovely Katie because she asked for more. And she's awesome.
3. Rebirthing
I have both been born and given birth. Of these two events, I can vividly recall one of them. The other, not so much. Proponents of rebirthing however, think that we all have repressed memories of squishing down the birth canal ourselves and that this traumatic experience has shaped our personalities and is the reason for any strife that we have with ourselves or loved ones. Which, unless you were born by bursting out your mother's chest and immediately latching on to the nearest person's face, I don't think any trauma that may have occurred would be even remotely in the realm of remembering. Hell, I can barely remember what I did last week.
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| Ripley, say hello to your little brother. |
Nonetheless, a rebirthing practitioner can help you remember this trauma which then lets you work through any issues that you have now. If your birth required forceps for example, you might rely on people to constantly be pulling you out of difficult situations. Oh nuts! My daughter had to be partially suctioned out of me with a sort of vacuum thing. I'm hoping this doesn't lead to a life long vacuum cleaner phobia Which, by the way, is called zuigerphobia, because I know how much you were dying to know that.
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| AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! |
This remembering is facilitated by a second birth. Which I gotta tell you, sounds creepy as hell. There are many ways to be reborn, born again, rebirthed, or whatever the heck they call it. There's special breathing called rebirthing breathwork which allows you to breath Energy as well as air which:
"Improves our physical health, enables us to feel happy
more, increases our ability to receive love and give love, which
makes our relationships work better. Conscious Breathing improves our
energy level, which enables us to be more productive and increase our
income."
I'm sold. Now I just have to figure out how to breath energy and air at the same time.
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| Dude. You're totally doing it wrong. |
Another manner of second birth can include more literal "birthing" type scenarios like being wrapped in blankets to simulate the womb. This is also called attachment therapy and strives to reenact the original birth in a more physical way. The breathwork folks are quick to renounce this as actual rebirthing as a 10 year old girl actually died from suffocation while being "reborn". Righteously, those involved with her death were sentenced to much jail time.
4. Asthma Curing Fish
People in Hyderabad, India are lucky indeed! They can cure their asthma just by swallowing a live, squirming fish smeared with a glob of yellow stuff. Every year, thousands flock to chow down on this miraculous fishy goodness. This year saw 70,000 people show up to have a live fish crammed into their maw by the Goud family who received this secret formula from a Hindu saint 170 years ago.
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| "And if you barf on my feet, no more fish for you!" |
To the Goud family's credit, they offer their medicine for free to the thousands of asthma sufferers because the saint warned them that the herbal remedy would lose it's potency if the ingredients are revealed and commercialized. Yeah, 'cause that would TOTALLY happen.
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| Instructions: 1. Shove yellow goo into fish mouth. 2. Swallow fish whole while trying not to vomit. 3. Feel really stupid for eating a live fish to cure your asthma |
After the fish has made it's way down to your stomach and hopefully died well before it got there, patients must then follow a strict 45 day dietary regimen of 25 different foods. Now was it white wine, or red, with fish? I can't remember. This year proved a little difficult for head of the family Bathini Harinath Goud who had his venue cancelled due to another booking and had to find somewhere else to administer his wares. He apparently also complained that the government favors asthma medicines offered by
pharmaceutical companies instead of the "tried and tested medicine
administered by his family for ages." Oh the injustice!
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| The sheer terror on this girl's face is all the proof I need to NOT have a live fish shoved down my throat. |
Strangely the asthma problems in India are only getting worse though. According to World Health Organization projections, an estimated 100 million more asthma patients will be
added to the list of existing patients by 2025, mainly due to
environmental pollution and lack of awareness towards the disease and
its morbidity.
Um, we're gonna need more fish over here....
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