Cracking up Some More

Since So many of you wrote me to tell me how much you loved my Cracked post and wanted more, I am happy to oblige. Alright, I heard from exactly no one so I'm just going to go ahead and pretentiously assume that you all loved it so much and are silently screaming out for more. 'Cause that's how I roll. Sort of.

So I shall delve into some more pseudoscientific medical claims and try to crack open a bit of truth. But I grow weary of the usual acupuncture and homeopathy nonsense that is so ubiquitous. Today I will tell you about some of the even more alternative alternative medicines. Here's two to get you started, more to follow shortly. I know you believe me when I say that there's some wacky shit that people think can cure what ails you. So shut up and buckle up, we're taking another ride, Cracked style.

1. Urine Therapy 

Yes, this is totally as gross as it sounds. Either drinking urine or rubbing it on one's skin, you can count me out on this one. Especially since doing anything with pee pee, aside from watching it gracefully swirl down the toilet, has no benefit whatsoever. 

Or this. I can totally see a benefit to this.

It seems that folks throughout history thought that urine was some sort of wonder serum that did all sorts of magical things. Ancient Romans used it to whiten their teeth which seems counterproductive considering it's, you know, yellow. The French would soak stockings in urine and wrap them around their throats to cure strep throat and the French aristocratic women in the 17th Century enjoyed nice warm yellow baths to beautify their skin.

"Yes my dear, your skin is absolutely radiant. From waaaayyyy over here."

This pee obsession isn't just ancient though. People still do all sorts of marvelous things with this golden elixir. Some celebrities have admitted to such wackiness. Madonna peed on her feet to cure athlete's foot. Major League Baseball player Moisés Alou pees on his hands to keep callouses away, and presumably his entire team. Many are still proponents of the healing qualities of pee and enjoy a glass everyday making sure to catch that fresh mid stream morning yumminess and sipping it lovingly like a hot toddy.

I have not found anything based in science that would get me to recommend drinking your own bitter and salty (not that I would know) liquid secretions unless you were really, really thirsty. Then again it may just be the only way to:

2. DNA Healing

It turns out that you can get your DNA re-programmed. It's true. The folks at Theta DNA Healing can enter the theta brainwave and give you access to God directly. Thus changing your life and making you the most perfect human being ever. You can look and feel younger, cure phobias, feel stable, secure and happy for no reason (that's right, for NO REASON), heighten your psychic abilities, control your negative thoughts, feel at peace and in love with life and most importantly, know your divine purpose. And that's just a partial list.

You also get to walk on your own DNA in outer space! Well, maybe, we shouldn't push it.

Theta DNA Healing tells us that:

"Our human form is composed of 12 physical strands of DNA and 24 corresponding spiritual strands, totaling 36 strands. The first 12 of these spiritual strands are fourth dimensional, while the next 12 are fifth dimensional.  The average person has only one pair of strands of DNA activated - science tells us that we currently use only 3% of our DNA and, correspondingly, only 5-10% of our brain capacity.  Herein lies the reason why people use so little of their brain capacity.  By activating the DNA, more of our full potential comes online, both in your genetic consciousness and in your mental capacity."

Seriously, I can't write stuff THAT funny. Through some sort of secret 24 strand DNA activation, which I think may involve Borg implants, the DNA healing practitioner fixes you up right as rain. In addition to those things mentioned above one also experiences the wonderful benefits of increased cellular vibration, increased flow of kundalini energy and activation of the forth dimensional chakras. Man, I wish I had a dime for every time I wished for those elusive forth dimensional chakras. 

Of course you can't get the 24 strand activation until you've forked out for the12 strand activation but you can't stop at 24 measly strands. No way. For only a few dollars more you can get, are you ready for this? A 36 strand activation! Holy shit! Stand back world, this bitch is 36 strand strong and coming for you!

This is actually me after getting my DNA totally jacked up

It doesn't get much more new agey than this folks. All the proof you need is in their video on the home page and the soundtrack that goes with it. If you don't want to give a stranger money to activate your DNA, you can learn the art yourself at the School of DNA Theta Healing. I think I'll go that route, I don't want no stranger messing with my DNA, that shit's private.