It appears as though I have been very delinquent in my posting. My sincere apologies to my 5 readers. I shall strive to update somewhat more regularly. And so I shall begin with this. If you've never been to Cracked.com, you should go. It's an engaging website that is both funny and enlightening at the same time. I have spent many an hour LOLing at their crazy antics. Of course I know that my paltry writing skills will never compare but I thought I would take a crack (pun intended) at the same style of prose. I'm hoping some of you may even crack a smile (okay okay, I'll stop). So I present to you here, my top 5 list (in no particular order) of silly woo medical stuff, ala Cracked, complete with obligatory elevated snark level. Let me know if you like it and I will attempt to write more of the same.
The Myth:
They say your eyes are the windows to your soul. In the case of iridology though, your eyes are the windows to your gall bladder, your knees and your rectum (along with every other part of your body). One look into those big gorgeous eyes of yours and your iridologist can tell you all that ails you. A handy map tells him what body parts those flecks in your eyes are corresponding to. A spot on the shoulder area of the eye means you have shoulder pain, a spot on the liver part could mean you drink too damn much, a spot on the anus area....well you get the point.
One website describes how iridology works like this:
"Think of it like a camera and film. The body is the subject being photographed. The brain is the mirror reflecting the message to the iris instead of to film. Each and every organ and system of the body communicates with the brain and these messages of strengths and weaknesses are then reflected into the iris of the eye."
The Reality:
No. Looking at your irises cannot tell you what is wrong with any part of your body. Except your eyes of course. There are some ailments that may present as an eye symptom such as jaundice which can cause the eyes to yellow, but your brain is not "projecting" strengths and weaknesses onto your eyes and you can't tell if your pinky finger is sore because of a fleck on your eyeball. I really can't stress enough how bizarre this practice is, yet there it is, all out there and being accepted as "science". Not by actual doctors of course, they have looked at the evidence (or lack there of) and have recognized it for the bunk that it is. Now Wikipedia says "the majority" of doctors as I'm sure Wikipedia has not actually asked "all" doctors but in my world, I like to think that they are all smart enough to see through (teehee) the thin disguise of this "science". Controlled studies have come up with negative results and there is no evidence for iridology as any sort of diagnostic tool.
The Myth:
So those of you with a foot fetish (you know who you are) are going to enjoy this segment because reflexology is all about the feet. According to reflexologists, your feet have pressure points on them that are directly connected to various body parts, organs and glands.
It seems that when you stimulate certain areas of the feet, you are also stimulating the corresponding body part and helping it heal. So if you’ve being a feeling a bit bunged up, you can skip the Ex-Lax and just push the magic foot/ass button instead.
The Reality:
While a nice foot massage can certainly make you feel all warm and fuzzy, it is having no effect on other parts of your body. The notion of reflexology has been widely dismissed by the medical community as the nonsense that it is. The best evidence after many clinical trials has shown no effectiveness in the treatment of any medical conditions.
The whole thing was invented by two guys named William H. Fitzgerald and Edwin Bowers back in 1913 who just one day figured that pushing on one part of your body resulted in an anesthetic effect in another part of the body. I imagine them breaking some poor guys finger to get his mind off that nagging pain from his stubbed toe. Then a nurse named Eunice D. Ingham glommed onto the idea and modified it with maps, et al. That's it, this whole nonsensical "treatment" came about because one chick just made it all up.
Sorry foot fetishers but there also exists reflexology of the hands and ears. Neither of which reduce the ridiculousness factor.
A clever professor by the name of John C McLachlan decided it would be fun to pwn the shit out of the alt med community and he did just that. He contacted the organizers of the International Conference on Integrative Medicine and introduced them to his newly found treatment called butt reflexology. It's funny until you find out that they bought the whole thing hook line and sinker and invited him to speak. It just goes to show that anyone can make up anything and there will be plenty of gullible people to suck it up like a watermelon flavored popsicle in the middle of summer. That's why critical thinking skills are, well, critical.
1. Acupuncture
The Myth:
Rooted in Traditional Chinese Medicine, acupuncture claims to cure just about everything that ails you by simply poking a whole bunch of little needles into your skin all over your body. The needles are inserted according to invisible meridian lines (which I imagine would look like those suits from Tron if you could actually see them) that determine the flow of qi through your body. If your qi flow is disrupted, you get sick and as such, you can stimulate said flow by the insertion of needles. Since it’s really old, with written descriptions found from around 200 BCE, it must be true. Dressing up as a human pin cushion can not only treat infertility, prevent disease, aid in weight loss, and treat addiction, but it also is said to relieve nausea and pain. Although being stuck with needles sounds to me like the opposite of pain relief.
If people feel any benefits after an acupuncture session it is more likely simply due to the interaction with the practitioner and just doing a bit of chillin’. Just like a nice massage makes a person feel calmer and relaxed. Although in the case of acupuncture, the massage is more like getting bitch slapped by a cactus.
5. Homeopathy
The Myth:
Like cures like. What the heck does that mean you ask? It means that a disease can be cured by a substance that produces similar symptoms in healthy people. So if your cold produces symptoms similar to mercury poisoning, the cure would be, you guessed it, mercury. You first put a wee bit of mercury in some water. You shake that water all about and then you take some of THAT water, put in in more water, shake that all about, you put your left leg in....okay I made up that last part. This diluting and shaking is done many times so you end up with something like one part of the remedy to around 1,000,000,000,000 parts of water. You then drink this diluted mercury and, voila! Mercury poisoning symptoms gone. So if you have the flu, you drink diluted duck heart and liver. Wait. What? Yup, check out oscillococcinum and prepare to be amazed.
So not only does like cure like but the higher the level of dilution, the MORE potent the remedy becomes. So if you want to get drunk really fast and you're not pretty enough for guys to buy you drinks, all you need is an eye dropper, a glass of water and that wee bit of beer that the bartender spilled on the bar.
The Reality:
It's WATER! Okay sometimes they will take the remedy and drop it on to sugar pills but that just makes it WATER and SUGAR. Finding any active ingredient after diluting a solution 30, 60 or more times is like trying to find one grain of sand in all the deserts and beaches in the world or a good movie made by M. Night Shyamalan since "The Sixth Sense". A lot of people mistake homeopathy with herbal medicine but the two are completely different. There is some value in some herbal remedies and much of our modern medications have been derived from herbal sources. But homeopathy is entirely void of any active ingredients. Thinking that homeopathy could actually cure anything is somewhat like thinking that feeding your cat Pop Tarts will render him able to fly.
Proponents of homeopathy will tell you that the water retains the memory of the active ingredient it had in it 1000 dilutions ago. If that were the case however, would the water not also remember EVERYTHING it had ever been in contact with? Like the contents of Uncle Rupert's bowels. Shudder. Not sure what that would be a cure for. Some claim that it's the INTENT of the remedies preparer that makes the magic happen. I can intend all I want for that chunk of liver on my plate to taste like caramel ice cream but in the end it will still taste like smelly feet rubbed with football player armpit sweat.
Now if people want to buy really expensive water and sugar to treat their cold symptoms then I guess that's their nonsensical right but many of them don't even know what it is or how it's made. Some homeopaths try to get people to use their products for things like vaccinating and curing diseases that are potentially life threatening without conventional medical treatments. This is a bad, bad thing and these people should be forced to go on the ride "It's a Small World" about 500 times in a row.
People feel so strongly about homeopathy for a couple of reasons. First they just SWEAR on their mother's graves that it worked for them and they have a gazillion stories about how it cured so and so of that thing they had that the regular medicine couldn't. Secondly, they think that modern medicine is a bad thing and that big pharma is just out to make money and kill people with all the over medicating that's so rampant in today's world. The human body is an unpredictable and amazing thing. Some ailments can't be cured and some can, some go away on their own and some stick around like an annoying ex-girlfriend. Just because you drank some magic water and your headache went away, doesn't mean that the magic water made it go away any more than that super sized Big Mac and ice cream cake you just ate made it go away. Homeopathy ain't no mom and pop operation either. Boiron, a major producer of homeopathic remedies, nets millions of dollars a year in profits.
Like cures like. What the heck does that mean you ask? It means that a disease can be cured by a substance that produces similar symptoms in healthy people. So if your cold produces symptoms similar to mercury poisoning, the cure would be, you guessed it, mercury. You first put a wee bit of mercury in some water. You shake that water all about and then you take some of THAT water, put in in more water, shake that all about, you put your left leg in....okay I made up that last part. This diluting and shaking is done many times so you end up with something like one part of the remedy to around 1,000,000,000,000 parts of water. You then drink this diluted mercury and, voila! Mercury poisoning symptoms gone. So if you have the flu, you drink diluted duck heart and liver. Wait. What? Yup, check out oscillococcinum and prepare to be amazed.
 | |
| Good eating AND a cure for flu symptoms |
So not only does like cure like but the higher the level of dilution, the MORE potent the remedy becomes. So if you want to get drunk really fast and you're not pretty enough for guys to buy you drinks, all you need is an eye dropper, a glass of water and that wee bit of beer that the bartender spilled on the bar.
 |
| Honestly occifer alls I had was a glass of water.... |
The Reality:
It's WATER! Okay sometimes they will take the remedy and drop it on to sugar pills but that just makes it WATER and SUGAR. Finding any active ingredient after diluting a solution 30, 60 or more times is like trying to find one grain of sand in all the deserts and beaches in the world or a good movie made by M. Night Shyamalan since "The Sixth Sense". A lot of people mistake homeopathy with herbal medicine but the two are completely different. There is some value in some herbal remedies and much of our modern medications have been derived from herbal sources. But homeopathy is entirely void of any active ingredients. Thinking that homeopathy could actually cure anything is somewhat like thinking that feeding your cat Pop Tarts will render him able to fly.
 |
| Unless it can do this. THIS is clearly magical water. |
Proponents of homeopathy will tell you that the water retains the memory of the active ingredient it had in it 1000 dilutions ago. If that were the case however, would the water not also remember EVERYTHING it had ever been in contact with? Like the contents of Uncle Rupert's bowels. Shudder. Not sure what that would be a cure for. Some claim that it's the INTENT of the remedies preparer that makes the magic happen. I can intend all I want for that chunk of liver on my plate to taste like caramel ice cream but in the end it will still taste like smelly feet rubbed with football player armpit sweat.
Now if people want to buy really expensive water and sugar to treat their cold symptoms then I guess that's their nonsensical right but many of them don't even know what it is or how it's made. Some homeopaths try to get people to use their products for things like vaccinating and curing diseases that are potentially life threatening without conventional medical treatments. This is a bad, bad thing and these people should be forced to go on the ride "It's a Small World" about 500 times in a row.
People feel so strongly about homeopathy for a couple of reasons. First they just SWEAR on their mother's graves that it worked for them and they have a gazillion stories about how it cured so and so of that thing they had that the regular medicine couldn't. Secondly, they think that modern medicine is a bad thing and that big pharma is just out to make money and kill people with all the over medicating that's so rampant in today's world. The human body is an unpredictable and amazing thing. Some ailments can't be cured and some can, some go away on their own and some stick around like an annoying ex-girlfriend. Just because you drank some magic water and your headache went away, doesn't mean that the magic water made it go away any more than that super sized Big Mac and ice cream cake you just ate made it go away. Homeopathy ain't no mom and pop operation either. Boiron, a major producer of homeopathic remedies, nets millions of dollars a year in profits.
Yet when people actually need real medicine....
4. Therapeutic Touch
The Myth:
We are all surrounded by an invisible energy field. This energy can be felt and manipulated. It can tell you if your body is ailing and where. When you are healthy, your energy flows freely about this field without obstruction but when you are unhealthy, your energy gets all gummed up sort of like when you feed a dog peanut butter. A therapeutic touch practitioner can influence this field (just with their intent) and get it all flowing again hunky dory.
TT was developed in the 1970s by nurse Dolores Krieger, and clairvoyant and healer Dora Kunz. Dora was well known for being able to see these energy fields. So she put those delusions, I mean, hallucinations, I mean super powers to use by figuring out that a shitload of money can be made by turning them into a new form of healing. And there you have it, another medical treatment just pulled out of thin air and accepted far and wide.
The Reality:
If this invisible energy field exists, then it should somehow be measurable. It is not. This does not deter proponents though as they say that it's just not detectable by science YET. But even those who practice TT admit that it's a mystery and that there is no known mechanism for how it works. They say it just does. I have no doubt that a nice, relaxing TT session likely makes people feel better. As with all of these alt med things, a person comes out feeling relaxed and happy simply because someone was giving them all sorts of warm and fuzzy attention for a little while. The sucky thing about TT though is that it's like paying for a massage but getting totally ripped off because it can be done fully clothed and they don't even touch you.
But a temporary cozy feeling doesn't mean that you are actually healed of anything. Some studies affirming the benefits of TT have only looked at the immediate reactions of the patients and not any long term results. Sure, your rheumatoid arthritis might feel better right after a session but I guarantee you that sure as shit that bitch is going to come back real soon.
In 1996 a 9 year old girl named Emily Rosa managed to completely destroy the notion that this so called energy field could be detected. For her 4th grade science fair. Let me repeat that with emphasis, for her 4TH GRADE SCIENCE FAIR, Emily designed a simple protocol which tested several TT practitioners on whether or not they could sense which hand she was holding over theirs with a barrier in between. Not surprisingly, the results were no better than chance.
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| It also makes your hands all glowy and stuff |
The Reality:
If this invisible energy field exists, then it should somehow be measurable. It is not. This does not deter proponents though as they say that it's just not detectable by science YET. But even those who practice TT admit that it's a mystery and that there is no known mechanism for how it works. They say it just does. I have no doubt that a nice, relaxing TT session likely makes people feel better. As with all of these alt med things, a person comes out feeling relaxed and happy simply because someone was giving them all sorts of warm and fuzzy attention for a little while. The sucky thing about TT though is that it's like paying for a massage but getting totally ripped off because it can be done fully clothed and they don't even touch you.
i |
| Especially if your TT practitioner looks like this |
But a temporary cozy feeling doesn't mean that you are actually healed of anything. Some studies affirming the benefits of TT have only looked at the immediate reactions of the patients and not any long term results. Sure, your rheumatoid arthritis might feel better right after a session but I guarantee you that sure as shit that bitch is going to come back real soon.
In 1996 a 9 year old girl named Emily Rosa managed to completely destroy the notion that this so called energy field could be detected. For her 4th grade science fair. Let me repeat that with emphasis, for her 4TH GRADE SCIENCE FAIR, Emily designed a simple protocol which tested several TT practitioners on whether or not they could sense which hand she was holding over theirs with a barrier in between. Not surprisingly, the results were no better than chance.
 |
| Getting pwned by a 9 year old should only happen while playing Call of Duty |
3. Iridology
The Myth:
They say your eyes are the windows to your soul. In the case of iridology though, your eyes are the windows to your gall bladder, your knees and your rectum (along with every other part of your body). One look into those big gorgeous eyes of yours and your iridologist can tell you all that ails you. A handy map tells him what body parts those flecks in your eyes are corresponding to. A spot on the shoulder area of the eye means you have shoulder pain, a spot on the liver part could mean you drink too damn much, a spot on the anus area....well you get the point.
 |
| It looks pretty complicated so I think that means it's real. |
"Think of it like a camera and film. The body is the subject being photographed. The brain is the mirror reflecting the message to the iris instead of to film. Each and every organ and system of the body communicates with the brain and these messages of strengths and weaknesses are then reflected into the iris of the eye."
 |
| Yes, Exactly like this. If R2D2 lived in your head. |
No. Looking at your irises cannot tell you what is wrong with any part of your body. Except your eyes of course. There are some ailments that may present as an eye symptom such as jaundice which can cause the eyes to yellow, but your brain is not "projecting" strengths and weaknesses onto your eyes and you can't tell if your pinky finger is sore because of a fleck on your eyeball. I really can't stress enough how bizarre this practice is, yet there it is, all out there and being accepted as "science". Not by actual doctors of course, they have looked at the evidence (or lack there of) and have recognized it for the bunk that it is. Now Wikipedia says "the majority" of doctors as I'm sure Wikipedia has not actually asked "all" doctors but in my world, I like to think that they are all smart enough to see through (teehee) the thin disguise of this "science". Controlled studies have come up with negative results and there is no evidence for iridology as any sort of diagnostic tool.
 |
| So according to her eyes....Um, you ARE looking at her eyes, right? |
2. Reflexology
The Myth:
So those of you with a foot fetish (you know who you are) are going to enjoy this segment because reflexology is all about the feet. According to reflexologists, your feet have pressure points on them that are directly connected to various body parts, organs and glands.
 |
| I wonder which area represents the feet. |
 |
| He’s actually sucking on her eyeball |
While a nice foot massage can certainly make you feel all warm and fuzzy, it is having no effect on other parts of your body. The notion of reflexology has been widely dismissed by the medical community as the nonsense that it is. The best evidence after many clinical trials has shown no effectiveness in the treatment of any medical conditions.
The whole thing was invented by two guys named William H. Fitzgerald and Edwin Bowers back in 1913 who just one day figured that pushing on one part of your body resulted in an anesthetic effect in another part of the body. I imagine them breaking some poor guys finger to get his mind off that nagging pain from his stubbed toe. Then a nurse named Eunice D. Ingham glommed onto the idea and modified it with maps, et al. That's it, this whole nonsensical "treatment" came about because one chick just made it all up.
Sorry foot fetishers but there also exists reflexology of the hands and ears. Neither of which reduce the ridiculousness factor.
 |
| I can't think of a caption that is funnier than the picture. |
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| And now you'll never look at an ass the same way again. |
1. Acupuncture
The Myth:
Rooted in Traditional Chinese Medicine, acupuncture claims to cure just about everything that ails you by simply poking a whole bunch of little needles into your skin all over your body. The needles are inserted according to invisible meridian lines (which I imagine would look like those suits from Tron if you could actually see them) that determine the flow of qi through your body. If your qi flow is disrupted, you get sick and as such, you can stimulate said flow by the insertion of needles. Since it’s really old, with written descriptions found from around 200 BCE, it must be true. Dressing up as a human pin cushion can not only treat infertility, prevent disease, aid in weight loss, and treat addiction, but it also is said to relieve nausea and pain. Although being stuck with needles sounds to me like the opposite of pain relief.
 |
| It is also helping cure the worldwide epidemic known as “chubby baby” |
So where did this idea come from? Some think that Chinese soldiers from once upon a time who were taking pot shots at each other with bow and arrow, discovered that getting stuck with an arrow wasn’t necessarily all bad and that instead of the expected grievous wound, the inflicted soldier would actually experience the curing of chronic afflictions. So the assumption I’m guessing was: Shot by arrow, feel better, stick in more arrows. Clearly.
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| And yet my headache feels better…. |
Not only can acupuncture help you feel loads better but it can also tell if you’re a virgin. Some acupuncturists subscribe more to the pressure point theory as opposed to the qi theory and place the needles accordingly. These pressure points can apparently tell us more than we ever wanted to know about ourselves. In March 2010, an acupuncturist by the name of Dr. Hong managed to get three rapists released from prison because an acupuncture pressure point by their ears confirmed that they were virgins. She is now going about proclaiming the innocence of bunches of rapists based on nothing more than a capillary behind their ears.
A close cousin of acupuncture is called moxibustion which sounds a lot like someone who likes to use their breasts to their advantage. Moxibustion consists of not just inserting the acupuncture needles but then, stay with me here, LIGHTING THEM ON FIRE. Or they can bypass the needles and from what I can tell from pictures on the Internet, simply smoosh a lit cigar directly onto your skin.
I'd rather sit through a 24 hour Teletubbies marathon
The Reality:
Not only is dressing like a pin cushion a bad idea for Halloween but it also does not actually do anything aside from leaving ones skin considerably aerated. Numerous properly controlled studies have shown acupuncture to be completely ineffective aside from some minor pain relief which could just as easily be attributed to the placebo effect. Conducting a properly double blinded test is difficult considering one is quite aware of whether or not they are being repeatedly stabbed by dozens of itty bitty needles. But some studies have included placing needles randomly, that is to say, not in the proper places that correspond with determined pressure points or meridian lines and another study used toothpicks that were just used to mimic the poking sensation but not actually inserted into the skin. Not surprisingly, both groups showed no significant benefit over those that received the “proper” acupuncture.
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| Didn't I see this in one of the "Saw" movies? |
The funny thing is that back in the early days of Chinese Communism, the powers that be said that acupuncture and other forms of Traditional Chinese Medicine were stupid and superstitious and that it was opposite to actual science that was actually, uh, scientific. So it all went away for a little while and was relegated to just being backwoods medicine that the peasants used ‘cause they just didn’t know any better until Mao decided that superstitious and irrational medicine with no evidence of its efficacy was indeed the direction he wanted China to go. Then when Nixon paid a visit to China in 1972 and watched someone getting surgery without anesthetic and only using acupuncture to quell the pain of being operated on while fully awake, the practice gained immediate notoriety in the West. The fact that the patient was getting morphine through an intravenous drip was ignored. The rest, as they say, is history.
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| Sure, my heart is no longer in my chest, but it’s okay, I have needles in my qi. |
If people feel any benefits after an acupuncture session it is more likely simply due to the interaction with the practitioner and just doing a bit of chillin’. Just like a nice massage makes a person feel calmer and relaxed. Although in the case of acupuncture, the massage is more like getting bitch slapped by a cactus.
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| "Now just relax and disrobe, I'll be right in." |
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