Ramblings of an Armchair Skeptic

So you went and got yourself knocked up and here it is nine months later and the labour pains are so excruciating that you actually wish your belly would just explode and be done with it. But because you are one with the Goddess of the Earth and just know that all western medicine is evil, you have decided to give birth in the comfort of your own home. Away from all those traumatizing bright lights and cold sterile conditions full of pill pushing doctors who just want to drug you up for profit. You know exactly how it will go: You will get cozy in your blow up kiddy pool full of warm water, the new age music in the background comforting you. Your jolly midwife telling you to breathe deep and the doting baby father caressing your cheek. You will squeeze out a beautiful, healthy baby with no problems. Angels will appear singing Halleluiah and a fawn will trot out of your kitchen and gently lick the newborn goo off your sweetly cooing prodigy nestled in the arms of Mother Nature. It...

Dolphins are adorable. There is no denying that. The permanent smile on their faces just makes you want to grin until your cheeks ache. Their sweet, playful nature can melt the heart of even the scariest and meanest of folks. You may have heard that dolphins are one of the few species aside from humans who will have sex for pleasure. But you probably haven't heard that when the guys are feeling a little frisky, they will chose a female from the pod, isolate her and repeatedly gang rape the shit out of her for days. If she decides she's not into the whoopee making, they will chase her down and beat her into compliance. Of course, given this kind of sexually deviant behavior, it's no surprise that the dolphin community is rife with STDs. Did I mention that they also enjoy participating in orgies including the bisexual and homosexual kind? When they aren't trying to rape everything that moves that is Those cute little buggers are scary smart too. They can b...

There are plenty of examples in the world that one could use as mighty fine reasons why intelligent design is a load of bunk. Your appendix, mosquitoes, Honey Boo Boo. Then there are parasites. I can't think of a good reason to create these paragons of ickiness except to give us just one more reason to look up gross things on the Internet to say ew about and make our skin crawl. There are some great ones in the animal kingdom that are just too bat shit crazy for words. An unsuspecting grasshopper could drink some bad water and get himself infected with a horsehair worm which will begin to busily grow inside him (up to a foot long!) until the worm decides he wants out. But he needs to live in water and since grasshoppers aren't fond of swimming the worm simply takes control of the grasshopper's brain, marches him to the nearest body of water, compels him to commit a horrible watery suicide and then casually slithers out of his ass. For real. Out of his ass. The Leococ...

I shall dedicate my continuing pseudomedical Cracked series to my dear, sweet, sexy man.  5. QuWave Defender It's okay, you can tell me. I'm not going to judge you. I'm here to help. I know you are a targeted individual suffering from electronic harassment, psychotronic, and psychic attacks. You are not alone. There is hope! For over 60 years targeted individuals (TIs) such as yourself have been trying to escape mind control torture. That's right...TORTURE! These mind control torturers use psychotronic weapons just to mess you up. These weapons are designed to leave you feeling stressed out, disoriented, drowsy, helpless, and paranoid. Yes, because THEY have nothing better to do with their time and money except to make you feel like shit. Celebrating 60 years of fucking with your mind The good folks at QuWave have the solution for you! The QuWave Defender uses BOTH scalar and Solfeggio energies to not only thwart those nasty psychic attackers but to also h...

I dedicate this continuing Cracked edition to the sweet and lovely Katie because she asked for more. And she's awesome. 3. Rebirthing I have both been born and given birth. Of these two events, I can vividly recall one of them. The other, not so much. Proponents of rebirthing however, think that we all have repressed memories of squishing down the birth canal ourselves and that this traumatic experience has shaped our personalities and is the reason for any strife that we have with ourselves or loved ones. Which, unless you were born by bursting out your mother's chest and immediately latching on to the nearest person's face, I don't think any trauma that may have occurred would be even remotely in the realm of remembering. Hell, I can barely remember what I did last week. Ripley, say hello to your little brother. Nonetheless, a rebirthing practitioner can help you remember this trauma which then lets you work through any issues that you have now. If your ...

Since So many of you wrote me to tell me how much you loved my Cracked post and wanted more, I am happy to oblige. Alright, I heard from exactly no one so I'm just going to go ahead and pretentiously assume that you all loved it so much and are silently screaming out for more. 'Cause that's how I roll. Sort of. So I shall delve into some more pseudoscientific medical claims and try to crack open a bit of truth. But I grow weary of the usual acupuncture and homeopathy nonsense that is so ubiquitous. Today I will tell you about some of the even more alternative alternative medicines. Here's two to get you started, more to follow shortly. I know you believe me when I say that there's some wacky shit that people think can cure what ails you. So shut up and buckle up, we're taking another ride, Cracked style. 1. Urine Therapy  Yes, this is totally as gross as it sounds. Either drinking urine or rubbing it on one's skin, you can count me out on this one...

As we mosey through our insignificant little lives, we try to find a bit of meaning therein. Some people find it through the connections and relationships they cherish. Some through religion, community or career. And then there are those who discover meaning and joy in selling useless crap to gullible folks. The lovely webmasters at Inner Soul Technologies have certainly gone that route. I've been to several trade shows and Mind, Body, Wallet Expos and there are always plenty of purveyors of woo but one thing I noticed about them when we chat is that most of them seem to truly believe that what they are selling actually does what is claimed. A very nice and verbose magnetic jewelry hawker went on and on about the benefits of magnets. I imagine he must be the healthiest person in the world being surrounded with that much magnetism all day long! One lady at an expo enthusiastically waved her pyramid around my friend and aligned her chakras with great sincerity. I shall not give th...